Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
We need a shit load of segways right now
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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