In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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