My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
