no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
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