He kissed a someone with a penis
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.