im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
