I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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