i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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