i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
