He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
