hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
