then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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