I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Randomize
