I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
How does it feel to date your dad?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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