i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I queefed so loud it echoed.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
