He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
