yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
It's blow job season.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
