so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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