If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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