theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
