The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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