I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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