you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
