You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
