sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
i believe in u and ur pee
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
