if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I enjoy the company of your penis
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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