well I can't set my house on fire every night
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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