How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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