if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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