I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
