I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
