you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
