He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
FUCK WHALES
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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