Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
