I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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