As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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