I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Fuck me I smell like cheese
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
