the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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