If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
