I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
it glows. i had to have it.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
