My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Is Oprah even human
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
