dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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