You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
