Say something about gay babies.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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