my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
