at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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