Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
i think im in europe. pls send help
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
