No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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