Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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