Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
