onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
