I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
