What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
