I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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