Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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