im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
